Teachable moments

I thought this article in the Times was really insightful on disciplining children. Check it out.

Top 10 things NOT to do when your friend has her first baby

Take this as a word of warning. When one of your friends has her first baby, you will be almost maniacally driven to do certain unhelpful things. I know, I know, you think you are not like other people. But you are. So read on:

When your friend has her first baby ...

1) Don't tell her your own birth stories. Right now it's all about her. Listen - even if she's already told you five times about how great her delivery nurse was.

2) Don't tell her your kid's poop stories, no matter how funny you think they are. She is not ready for poop stories. (Some day you will laugh together about poop stories. Today is not that day.)

3) Don't give advice. If she needs advice she will ask. For now, just smile and nod and tell her how great she's doing, how thin she looks, and how cute her baby is.

4) Don't tell her that the newborn stage is "the easy part." Many moms conveniently forget about the sleep deprivation and the 2 a.m. feedings. I call it "selective mommery." Don't discount what she's going through. Instead, reassure her that it can be difficult in the beginning, but over time being a mommy gets easier (because you gain skills) and more rewarding (because you bond with the baby).

5) Don't ask her if she is "enjoying" her baby. Some women adore the first few months of mommyhood. Others struggle with the adjustment. Don't make her feel like there's something wrong with her if she's not enjoying every minute. It's OK for new moms to have frustrations, fears and disappointments like everybody else.

6) Don't talk about what's going on at work unless she asks. The idea of returning to work can be a source of anxiety. Plus, it's boring.

7) Don't assume anything. Ask her what she needs from you. It may not be what you expect. Like doughnuts.

8) Don't regale her with stories about your own kids, especially if they are older. This is not the time. She can't see beyond the little warm bundle in her lap this very moment, and that's OK.

9) Don't ignore signs of depression. If she seems to be struggling, help her find the resources she needs. In American society, mommies are expected to be happy all the time. That expectation makes it more difficult when you're suddenly feeling blue (or downright depressed) and you think you're not allowed to tell anyone how you feel.

10) Don't try to correct all of her misconceptions. She may tell you she is planning to make all her own baby food from organic vegetables she'll grow in her own garden. She may swear her child will never watch cartoons and only speak French on Sundays. No need to interject. She will learn as she goes, as all moms do. She needs you to just be there and support her as she finds her way.

Remember these tips and you will be a great source of encouragement to your new mommy friend. She may even name you the godparent.

PS again, photo credit goes to my homey (and new dad) Daniel Dubois.

What new mommy really needs

OK, put down that breast pump. Walk away from the diaper aisle. Onesies and wipes? Forget it. Your friend who just had a baby doesn't need anymore of that stuff. What she really needs is something to help her feel fabulous. Yes, you heard that right. She is recovering from one of the most exhausting physical events of her life, having spent nine months dealing with pregnancy (and believe me, that's no piece of cake), topped off by hours of painful labor and/or surgery to remove the giant kid from her belly. So quit being all practical and get her what she really needs:

1. Matches. To burn her maternity clothes.
2. Super soft comfy sweat pants. She won't be able to fit into her regular clothes, and if you will recall, the maternity clothes are toast.
3. Decadent lotions and bath bubbles. Essential for the rare few minutes she'll have to herself.
4. DVDs of her favorite shows. Imperative for those late night feedings.
5. Gift certificates to her favorite stores (not kids stores).
6. Food. Hubby is burning everything and she's sick of take-out.
7. Fashion magazines and tabloids. It's a little vacation for the tired mind.
8. Victoria's Secret support panties. This is an absolute necessity.
9. Cupcakes. They always make me feel fabulous.
10. Lip Gloss. Because even with hair askew and make-up off, lip gloss makes you feel like a million bucks.

And now for the services you can provide. She probably won't let you babysit, as new moms usually have a hard time doing that. Offer, but don't be surprised if she says no. Here's what you CAN do:

1. Help her pull together the birth announcements. This is huge.
2. Borrow a good camera and take pictures and videos of the baby.
3. Create a Web site and post the photos and videos for her family and friends.
4. Bring over a keepsake box and start collecting the important relics and ephemera for the baby book, including hospital bracelets, etc., before they get lost.
5. Handle her gift returns and exchanges.
6. If you're coming over, show up with some yummy food and a sack of infant diapers.
7. Offer to hold the baby while mommy takes a bath (or nap!).
8. Take her out for a mandatory mommy's night out, preferably once a week.
9. Listen. She will need to talk and maybe cry a little bit, so just let her do her thing.
10. Make her laugh. Let her know she's going to be the best mom ever.

What have I left out? Leave me a post.
PS this photo of Jack Henry on his second day of life was taken by the uber-talented photog Daniel Dubois.